Part 29: Transition Days

The last few weeks has been a ton of back & forth for the kids between my house & their dad's. We rarely have consistency for their time with him due to his work schedule, but having time with him when they can is still for the best. As a result, our transition days can get pretty rough. Lately, I've found a few things that have helped us. If you're going through any of this as a single parent or know someone who is, I hope something in here speaks to you (or share with someone).

I know the concept of transition days is pretty common in split households, as well as the idea of "unmasking" in any households with kids - that moment when they fall apart at home after a long day at school or anywhere else where they felt a certain expectation for behavior, etc. We have them almost daily after school most days for my older two, and basically every day of the week we are at the studio at some point after school - either directly from carline or we have about an hour to run home or pickup their little sister, run a quick errand before I have another class or two to teach. I'm working towards regrowing our team, and it's progressing...it's just not an overnight process. We typically leave the studio around 7pm on the days we're there, so by the time we get home, we've all had A DAY. Once home, there may still be some homework remaining, usually dinner still needs to be fixed, baths, everyone is somewhat overstimulated, dysregulated, tired, hangry, all of the things. With three kids, the odds that someone is crying or hurt or hungry again the closer we get to bedtime increase exponentially.

If all of that is happening on any given day, it feels like a lot. When it's a day they're also switching houses...may the odds be ever in our favor. Whether I'm getting them back on a weekday or weekend, I made a few rules for myself early on that I also shared with my mom for the times she's at our house when they come home.

1. I tell them how happy I am to see them & hope they had fun.

2. That's it.

   
   

   I put up bags, unpack things, move us into our home routine...but I do not ask them what they did, what they ate, where they went, who they saw - none of it. Sometimes my mom needs a reminder haha, and I completely understand why it's such a natural thing to do. However, I have a few reasons for this rule. Mostly, I don't want them to feel like they're getting interrogated when they walk in the door. Usually, they end up telling me whatever they did in their own time. They need a chance to get regulated. My other reasons are more for myself, and I'll share more in my next post.

I cannot imagine having to go back & forth between two houses the way they do, and I'm a fully functioning adult capable of my own routines. If I had to adjust to not only a different environment, different meals, different rules, but someone who cared for me differently (not saying good or bad - we just have different approaches) sometimes after a few days, sometimes after a few weeks - I would lose my $hit. I've absorbed the crazy schedule their entire lives - my ex traveled all the time when my oldest was born (& actually went to the places he said - novel concept, I know.). Whether my ex was in town or not, I was always there & we always came home to the same house. The same for my middle the first two years of her life. I've always tried to absorb any of the routine disruption for the kids my entire motherhood experience whether I was married or divorced.

I do my best to stay steady & keep my energy calm when they are not so much, but I absolutely have moments of FAFO sprinkled into gentle parenting. The first few nights of bedtime can honestly be a form of torture sometimes. My oldest tends to have very extreme reactions to everything, picks fights with my middle or gets upset/feelings hurt easily. Recently, he argued with me when I told him that "daddio" was not actually Spanish for "dad". He told me that his dad said it, so it has to be right. I let him Google it, and he told me Google was wrong (as my eye started *twitching*). I drop it to make sure I keep my opinions neutral, but it puts him in a foul mood regardless. The youngest, who most of the time is my go with flow & honestly most rational of my kids, fully embraces her threenager-ness and will lose all parts of her mind when I tell her no to some completely ridiculous request that's clearly an attempt to stall bedtime. So she'll throw herself on the floor, kicking and screaming, and at some point, the middle will join the Lost Minds Club - either the youngest accidentally kicks her, it's too loud with the screaming, etc. so she starts screaming or crying incoherent things. She'll beg me to help her calm down and when I reach for her, she pulls back.

It's heartbreaking. And it also makes me want to scream right with them, honestly.

Several months back (probably around the time someone became a threenager *cough cough*), I started doing a few things when they've either asked for something that's not happening or I'm fully at a loss how to calm down my middle one.

1. I sit. On the floor, on the bed, the couch, wherever we are. I get lower and still. I do sometimes have to step out of the room for a moment to collect myself but try not to for the middle one's sake. She's had bad separation anxiety in varying forms pretty much ever since I had the baby and she didn't see me for a few weeks while her half sister & my ex's business partner & wife watched them while I was hospitalized. Only for me to come home on IV meds for the next few weeks.....and we all know how it went from there. For her to have anxious tendencies is beyond understandable. When we first moved across the bay. I couldn't leave her sightline in our first rental house. I could go to another room if she could still see me & would need to let her know where I was going. Take the trash out myself? Hahahaha I think TF not. It was a group field trip every time that also included a baby, steps down & up our front porch & a busy street.

2. I reiterate that the answer is no, and I will not change my answer (& explain why if the emotions aren't too high). I tell them that whenever they are ready, I'm right here for a hug if they want one.

3. I then usually begin taking deep breaths - and that's for everyone's benefit haha. I need it to self-regulate, and then I wait it out. Sometimes their commitment level is shocking & sometimes it's just a few minutes, and when the hugs are wanted they tend to fall in with my breathing pattern & sort of melt into my arms.

4. A lot of times, they'll apologize once they're calm and we can have a quick talk.

We pile in the girls' bed to read with my oldest joining us most nights unless I have to physically reduce the chaos. My oldest can obviously put himself to bed after hugs & kisses & good night wishes. We have a sound machine & lights for their ceiling that look like swimming pool water. My middle has several bedtime demands before she can drift into a blissful slumber, to include back "scratchies", back "squeezies", arm &/or leg "squeezies", rub her head, play with her hair, rub her feet...apparently I also run a bedtime spa. Since starting kindergarten (i.e., no more naptime like at preschool), a few minutes of one or several of the above mentioned treatments has her snoring within a few minutes.

During a recent first night home bedtime marathon, as I was getting the girls tucked in (they share a queen bed since the youngest moved out of her crib & demand that I lay in the middle), my middle pulled her sheets up, snuggled in and said, "Oh, I've missed my bed, Mama...well, you know, the one you got me." and my heart broke a little. How exhausting to feel you have to clarify such a simple statement.

Once I get one snoozing, my youngest fights sleep in every imaginable way. She wants to spill all the tea from her day, tell me all of the preschool drama, who got in timeout, who's best friends & who isn't, and anything that pops into that wild little imagination of hers. The wheels do not ever stop turning. She eventually dozes off and I do a Cirque du Soleil routine to extract myself from the bed. At some point in the night, one or both girls will end up in my bed. Sometimes this includes the middle having a night terror as well.

I find the more nights they've been home, the less they end up in my bed. It's not an exact science, but it is like their little bodies & minds can finally settle.

Thankfully, I've begun to see some of the seeds I've planted grow a little - it happens every now & then as parents...usually after you wonder if any of this is getting through to them. I've felt what I was doing was the best approach to give them what they need from me physically, mentally and emotionally in this journey. The other night we got home, and my middle fell apart. When she gets upset when she's with me, her frequent go-to is to start crying "DDDAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYY". While my petty self wants to say, "that would be the least helpful thing right now", my healing self takes the steps I previously mentioned. Once we made it to the comfort hug point of the meltdown, I wanted to ask why she always asks for him. Instead, I asked if there was something her dad does when she's upset that would be helpful if I did. She said no, and then she said something I was incredibly proud & shocked to hear my five-year-old say to me.

She told me that she cries for him when she's with me and cries for me when she's with him (her brother quickly confirmed). She said she misses me when she's with him & misses him when she's with me & just misses when we were all together & in one house. She said she doesn't like going back & forth.

Given this is the same kiddo whose sightline I couldn't leave two years ago, I felt so incredibly proud of her in that moment. Proud that she felt safe enough to say that to me. Proud that she was able to so clearly identify & explain what she was feeling. I told her I was sorry she felt that & that I felt the same about them going back & forth. I remain vigilant in not placing blame on their dad when things like this come up and hope that validating her feelings about the back & forth helped her feel comfortable sharing any future tough feelings.

The last several weeks, the kids' school has had a Lenten Fish Fry every Friday, and it's made for a perfect transition day. The kids get to be in an environment they know independent of which parent they're with, the weather has been ideal, we're outside, I'm not preoccupied with fixing dinner and trying to juggle housekeeping stuff, they can run around with school friends, and then we get ice cream afterwards at our local ice cream shop before heading home where I try to have the house as clean & orderly as possible (visual clutter overstimulates all of us even though they are also experts at creating it). I'm honestly a little sad we won't have that again until next year but so grateful that it worked out during such a hectic last few weeks.

Until the temperature once again returns to feeling like the actual surface of the sun, you'll catch us on many a neighborhood walk on the weekends. Sunshine, fresh air, and physical movement is often a perfect reset.

When I get them back, it's more than ice cream and a picked up house. I have a few go-to meals I depend on that they always like (muffin-tin dinners being a top crowd pleaser), and as woo-woo or silly as it may sound, I also make sure we have soft lamp lighting, cozy blankets on any sofa or bed for easy impromptu snuggles, I use a diffuser regularly...I feel like if I can make as many of their senses feel familiar as possible, maybe they'll feel settled more quickly. We've also begun regular weekend movie nights on our screened-in back porch. The muffin-tin dinners work well for our setup, and then I'll pop popcorn on the stovetop & fix brownies, we'll turn off most of our string lights outside, and snuggle up. Hoping this stays a regular thing for us for many years.

**If any of this resonates, please keep following along, follow me on Instagram @hailsyeahmama and share with friends. I'm hoping to grow the blog, see where our story will take us & who it may help along the way.