Part 27: Our Daily Bread

May is Mental Health Awareness month...it's also the month of allllllll the end of the year activities (May-cember) and of course, Mother's Day - because we have nothing else on our plates, right mamas? Hahahahahahellllllllllppp.

First & foremost, thank you all so much for your support of and appreciation for my blog. My hope when I started it was to help others feel seen if they've dealt with anything similar. I've now been able to be there for others navigating big life changes, and it fills my heart so much.

So after my car was repossessed, I felt about as low as I ever have. Don't get me wrong, plenty of events from the last few years had me feeling less than, but somehow this one hit different. Before I could wallow in self-pity for too long, I was yet again picked up by everyone around me. I shared with a few friends what had happened and was immediately covered in prayers, offers for rides, offers to borrow vehicles, groceries dropped off at my house, even replacement makeup from a friend after I shared I had left my makeup bag in my car when they took it. Even the dealership where we got my swagger wagon treated me as a valued customer when I knew I was not exactly a desirable candidate. My mom repeatedly reminded me that most of this experience has been beyond my control. Once I got the keys to my van, I absolutely felt a shift in my energy. Instead of driving around in something I couldn't afford that was starting to have issues I knew would be more than i could handle, He cleared a way. He knows my stubborness and tendency to do it myself like any toddler, and so He often just has to take over. I rarely understand it at the time, but won't He do it, am I right?

Feeling seen/heard/understood is a basic human need. Whenever we can pour that into another, it refuels that person in an all-encompassing way. I recently saw a post that beautifully listed all of the ways we can "save" each other - smiling at another person, holding the door, any action that can be a "pay it forward" of sorts saves countless people every single day. Whenever I have my moments of doubt, I am quickly reminded of how many times I have been saved by those of you reading this and even people who have no idea what I have been through & am dealing with right now. The purchases from our Amazon lists (and the sweet & sometimes very funny cards y'all have included), the GoFund Me donations, front porch drop offs, the random AppleCash or DoorDash card sent...y'all, I have prayed the Lord's Prayer every day for as long as I can remember. I vividly remember any night I spent at my maternal grandparents' house growing up and every night my grandmother would kneel next to me beside the bed I would sleep in (usually the one my mom slept in growing up), and we would pray it together. I could recite the words long before I had any grasp on their meaning. Now, as an adult, when I say "give us this day our daily bread'....it hits home. I am a constant worrier - my mom always says that I "borrow trouble" haha - I can spiral out over a hypothetical situation within minutes and be convinced nothing will work out before I've even taken a second breath. Over the last month or so, I make it a daily goal to pursue our "daily bread" and try to not worry about what is next and trust He will provide. And He has. I can get creative making things happen and managing feelings when I tell the kids "no", but each time we figure it out. The dinner menu might be a bit disjointed, but everyone gets fed. Do I still worry? Yes for sure.

I am at my best when I feel I am helping others or at the very least putting positive energy forward. Probably why life has led me to teaching barre classes and doing weddings. I have been sent countless pictures from photographers and past brides of me at many a wedding worked, crouched at the feet of the bride or mother, sitting with the precious grandmother of the bride while missing my own grandmother (for whom my daughter & I are both named) so deeply…& knowing He has put those moments in my life to assure me of what’s to come. Like God just rests his hand on my shoulder and says, “breathe. I have this all worked out. Keep pouring into others". I recently went to a local coffee shop with the kids after school one day. They had a new lemonade that I thought the kids would enjoy, and what's better than a cold lemonade on a hot afternoon? We walked in, and thanks so my oldest's recent appreciation for reading, he looks at the menu and shouts, "Wait! They have SMOOTHIES?!? That's what I want!" immediately inspiring the girls to want the same. Suddenly, the budget for my carefully planned end of the week treat for the kids went out the window. I had hoped to get a drink for myself (lavender matcha currently has my heart), but when I was given the total for 3 smoothies and a matcha I knew I couldn't swing it. That may sound laughable or ridiculous to some, but that is absolutely the life we're living right now. The cashier had actually taken a free barre class from me a little while back, and when I told her to please take my drink off our order she glanced over at a manager and without words, they apparently agreed to fix my drink on the house. I regained control of my emotions, thanked them, and proceeded to enjoy the best damn matcha I've ever had (and if you're wondering, only 1 of my 3 actually drank their smoothie, and two pitched a fit that they couldn't get a cookie with it. No good deed, right?).

I adore small, thoughtful gestures and often save things on my phone with random notes or names that come to mind when I saw something I think someone would like. I’ve felt stifled and unable to have the ability to do that as of late but have been finding my own ways. I think part of the reason this experience has felt so hard is that honestly if I had the means, I mostly just want to be able to do for others. My goal for summer is to create a fun backyard setup for the kids. Their dad can afford vacations, but I could have a pretty sweet backyard setup for us all for waaaaaaaay less if I can get us to that point. Alabama summers are brutal, so if we don't have a way to be outside at least briefly and somewhat comfortably, it's going to be a loooooong summer haha. I am hopeful for a tax return this year that gets us on track and maybe has a little leftover for backyard fun.

Honestly, we just need a clean slate. Trying to dig out of the negative balances and overdraft and past dues since this all began (when it first fell apart, I was quickly made aware that all of our bills were past due - the power got shut off the day after we returned from my mom's after being told to leave town) - I thought my tax returns (since he hadn't filed despite telling me they were done) would get me caught up/back on track, but they went to pay what we owed from years ago (& still unsure how I ever owed that much based on my prior jobs). It very much feels like each time I have a chance for a reset, something comes up and I'm back to treading water.

Anytime it happens, I’m trusting that it was not the right time but whatever this time is, is giving “I’ve been on hold for years now and if this hold music doesn’t change, then I swear….” when I would really prefer “you’re nearly out of the trenches, and here’s a ladder bc it looks like it’s been muddy”.

To be real/vulnerable, working through functional depression is a journey unlike anything I’ve ever seen. When I was pregnant and shared my mental health with my OB, we agreed that situational depression is very real and we unfortunately had no way to know how long my "situation" would be (which at the time I just thought it was a less than present partner that resulted in massive default parenting on my side). Unfortunately, the situation is very much still here and my depression has (by necessity) moved into a functional depression since I haven't yet had a chance to actually step back and process all of this. One day, I will run to the beach for a few days like Ashley Judd's character in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, but there's no space on the calendar for that now. You go through every motion you physically can on the outside - fix meals, go to work, get everyone where they need to be, smile & talk to those around you - but on the inside you feel completely separated from that world in which you’re so busy. Clothes can get washed but the folding and putting away becomes overwhelming. You sit there and don’t know where to start but know that this isn’t how you want to feel. You’re stuck. You know precisely where your shortcomings exist in every part of your life but don’t know how to fix it because you feel like a shell of a person. Small, mundane, maintenance tasks are too much day to day, yet knowing you SHOULD and WOULD be able to do them in years' past is all the more mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually defeating. You let things sit, build up, all the while it increases your anxiety & stress in doing so. The few alone times I had usually meant the exhaustion hit so hard that I would feel paralyzed. Granted, I know everyone feels the pressure of the demands of adulthood, the stresses of the world, the pressure of motherhood....it's all too much. One day, I will know we've made it if I'm able to have weekly or biweekly help tidying the house or am able to send out a load or two of laundry. Im' fully aware this is one of the more labor-intensive seasons of motherhood given how little they can fully do for themselves and trying to keep everyone on task and learning to pick up after themselves usually feels like an an exercise in futility.

Most people don’t understand this type of depression and view your shortcomings as honestly I’m not even sure….I guess people assume if you can smile and look happy then “it really can’t be that bad” or that I “need to just move forward/get it together”. Trust me, I’m trying but apparently I stepped in tar and it’s going to be a while. You smile & try your best to be there for all the demands of life and happy for the kids and pray every night they can’t feel your pain and that they know how much you love them and are fighting to come back for them….& then gradually you feel these shivers that you might want to come back for yourself, too. You find your wins, wherever and whenever you can, and you begin to remember how to be proud of yourself.

I struggle with a LOT of self-disappointment and feeling like I “should” be able to do certain things, keep up with things, etc. I hate that I ever let it reach this point, but gradually over the years I allowed my self-reliance to crumble and thought (at first) that I was being “supported” by someone who was going to “take care of us”. Looking back, it breaks my heart for the old me that manipulation tactics presented as compliments ("you shouldn't wear makeup") and the financial control (I was rarely "allowed" to get my hair done...several years getting my hair done was my birthday gift from my mom so I could feel a little human after solo parenting during all of his work travels) were calculated & deliberate attempts to shift the source of my self-esteem and self-worth completely into his hands. I had no logins for any of the bills, but they were all in my name. When everything fell apart, I suddenly had to add keeping up with bill payments to my overflowing plate of responsibilities. It wasn’t like I could set up auto drafts - everything was behind and I had no regular income. As soon as I found out about the lovebirds, the kids & I had no support from him for five months and fully relied on my family, friends, and church. It’s a constant battle but I am focusing on putting out one fire at a time to get caught up…& then hoping the others don’t overtake me in the meantime. Kind of like the hard-learned mistake of being proud of the cleaning progress you’re making in one room and how cooperative the kids are being…only to find out it’s because they decided the re-enact “da mahdi gwaw” (the Mardi Gras) and throw all of their clothes (especially underwear), toys, books, cereal, band-aids, crayons and kinetic sand EVERYWHERE. Like, why?????? The other rooms were halfway decent and now they’re like a bioactive waste site. (Can you tell the wildlings & I had a realllllllll long run all together for a few weeks while he was traveling this past month?!?)

Currently, I’m fighting the good (& nearly fully uphill) battle of cleaning out our house and getting organized with systems in place that make sense for us. I’m honestly better for it that we trudged through the completely overwhelmed season in our last house and have downsized even more. I have accepted that I will be forever exhausted, but can finally apply my mom’s advice of “just start with one corner in one room & go from there”. Granted, it can easily turn into If You Give a Mouse a Cookie - like, the easily distracted, overwhelmed, overtired mom edition where I end up moving from room to room, finding new tasks every time. I finally have given into the chaos because there is rarely a time I am home lately without the kids also there, so I’ve found if I have some sort of cleaning/sorting/organizing project in each room on a Saturday afternoon I can get something done wherever I’m needed at a moment’s notice in our three ring circus. Thankfully, our house is not big, so I can pretty much hear whatever is happening in another room. My current favorite things that make me feel like I can get it together:

Bathroom organizer (I’m over the Allen-wrench budget furniture season of life)

I've decided the only things that can come into our house for now are things that streamline or simply systems in our day to day life.

....but yeah I'm so tired of the Allen wrench furniture season of life haha.

I found a hallway closet light for super cheap on Temu (I know fast fashion is not good, but I also am super broke and trying to make things work) that has a motion sensor & is rechargeable. The lighting in our hallway is awful and this closet is where I keep first aid stuff, pet stuff, etc and needed the light)

Body wash wall: a "mom influencer" I follow on Instagram mentioned in a post that she has multiple bars of soap in her shower so she can pick what she wants. I'm more of a body wash gal, and my nightly shower is often the cloest thing to peace & quiet that I ever get. Usually, I'm interrupted just a few times instead of nonstop like any other room in the house. As I could afford it, I began purchasing the larger, pump-style bottles of body wash to give myself a little setup in the shower. May sound silly, but I found it important to make my few minutes of peace feel like a treat.

Under the sink pull out shelf

Next goals: girls’ room bookshelf & dress-up clothes rack now that the crib is out so they have more room to play, backyard/screened in porch fixed up, garage organization with shelves and storage tubs.

Literally, the thought of having these things and getting to set them up one day sparks so much joy haha.

I’m now slowly reconnecting with parts of myself and feeling capable of things that three or four years ago would have been routine. God is slowly but surely restoring parts of me that were essentially dead the last few years, and in that restoration I am able to see them for the gifts that they are. Time with friends has taken a major/nonexistent backseat but is finally gaining priority. I've been asked if I'm ready to date, and while it will be a while until I can actually trust my heart with another person, I would enjoy meeting new people and just seeing what it's like. It's been 18 years since I've gone on a date with anyone besides him, so suffice it to say I'm a bit nervous to venture out but do believe I was a damn good partner & wife and maybe one day can be again. Will have to figure out how to navigate that, but clearly Facebook thinks #1 that I'm a massive sucker for a fake profile and #2 that I need to get out there based on some recent "friend requests".

Until he is no longer able to use his support payments as a form of control, I will never feel truly “on the other side of things”, if that even exists. At least after all this time, I can recognize the manipulation when it’s happening and don’t immediately assume I did something wrong. He's gotten mean again, which makes me wonder if he's seeing anyone as it aligns with the shift in his behavior when he first started up with her. (supposedly they are not together at this point, although I trust nothing with him) While I am fighting in every way possible to reach that point, we’re a ways off. I’m working literally 7 days per week (& coparenting with someone who has no obligations whenever he’s with them & can be Disney dad). His unpredictable & inconsistent work schedule allows for no structure or routine for the kids, leaving the kids & I fighting a constant uphill battle. I am beyond grateful for the kids' therapist who I have also been seeing as she helps me to remember I can only control what happens in our house. With that in mind, I am loving the routines we do have. Leading into bedtime lately, we all pile onto my bed and color while listening to music (currently, Forrest Frank is a household fave, which is fantastic since I need the messages in his music as much as (if not more than) the kids, and then we all sit in the girls' room for bedtime books. Sometimes it's a smooth transition, and a lot of nights not so much. We have bedtime lotion, bed linen spray, sound machine, approved lighting, books, bedtime stories, back scratches, "squeezies", snuggles, and more. Unfortunately, once they are finally down, we then enter the nightly game of what time will my middle's night terrors begin, and it's the worst game I've ever played. I'm usually able to get 4-5 hours of HEAVILY interrupted sleep a night that typically results in the girls ending up in my bed on either side of me. I'm taking nutrition, screen time, routines, all of it into consideration daily and hope it is just a season, but it's still heartbreaking & beyond exhausting every night nonetheless. When they have their time with their dad, the to-do list is miles long and as soon as my body isn't constantly overstimulated by constant noise and activity, it just shuts down.

I remain hopeful for the day that his support checks go into savings accounts for the kids and I lead our household fully on my own two feet. I am grateful daily that each day I feel a little more able and trust that while I cannot yet experience any fruits of my labors, that the labors at least are building a stronger foundation than before. The less-visible wins are meaningful for sure, and I will continue to trust that things will come together when I am in a place to be able to enjoy them - a truly healed place.

You have to choose to see the good (& some days it can be really hard to find it) and when you do, you’ll see Jesus. If you only choose to see everything as “why me”, you’ll be stuck.

For now, on to Mother's Day. So far, it's been one of the hardest holidays to get through as a single mom. To be honest, it has just felt like any other day the last two years as the kids aren't old enough to do anything on their own, yet maybe slightly more difficult because you're also inundated with everyone's pictures of their celebrations. Without paying lots of money and/or making extensive & involved plans (that everyone will likely find a reason to complain or make more difficult), celebrations seem sort of silly. Like planning my own birthday party and no one comes haha. I'm sure we'll hit up the park and probably get ice cream - basically whatever makes the kids happy because if they aren't fighting, that is a gift in and of itself.