Part 28: Another Year Since Everything Changed

March 1, 2023 was the day everything changed, and I often wonder if there will ever come a time that my chest doesn't tighten when the memories come flooding back. The reminder is honestly a good thing & has become better each year when I inevitably reflect back.

For this last year, whenever the kids have been with their dad, I quietly started dating myself. The first two years after finding out, I felt lost when I didn’t have them - it felt paralyzing. I didn’t know what to do without the tiny people that had some days been my only reason to get out of bed. I was beyond exhausted in every sense but NOT having them with me felt so wrong....and still doesn't feel right. It was nearly a year after finding out who he really was before we were officially divorced. The trauma and being in survival mode for so long usually meant when they were with him that I would shut down for a few days - not talk to anyone, stay in the bed, eat whatever required the least effort….& it carried over into my self worth. Making little effort meant that I was worth little effort.

The house would usually be a disaster and the thought of tackling it was overwhelming. The kids would come home, and I would be no less exhausted than when they left a few days prior.

Slowly, I started getting out of full-on survival & trauma freeze mode - I would tackle a household project, do a little self-care, or make plans with friends - not all three by any means haha, but whatever I felt would be the most healing.

March 1, 2025, two years after finding out, I shifted how I approached my time away from the kids and worked to become more intentional. As I reflected back a year ago of where we were compared to the year prior, I finally felt hopeful enough to also plan for where I wanted to be by March 1, 2026. I knew I wanted to feel more healed and figure out a bit more who I am and what I wanted our life to look like. At first, it was making new routines and even scheduling them/writing them down as needed: my first night solo meant a full girl shower (IYKYK) and making up the bed with fresh sheets. Climbing into bed felt like “you've done everything you can until they're home again - rest easy”. Acts of service, showing up for friends & loved ones in all kinds of ways - it is what has always filled my heart. As I’ve healed, I’ve had more capacity to do it again and it’s been everything. However, after having a very human moment with the kids one day and trying to explain to them that sometimes it felt really hard to do two adults’ duties by myself, I realized how I needed to refine my approach to “me time”. It’s more than doing a face mask and getting to sleep without being woken up (kicked, pushed to the edge of the bed, etc) although that is absolutely something I look forward to. Instead, I needed to put as much energy into showing up for myself as I do other people. I take account of where my headspace is and what will most make me feel my best. Prioritize myself and take care of myself as I did my husband & his needs for far too long (nearly losing myself in the process).

When I show up for friends and loved ones, what do I do? Dropping off "happies", feeding people, spending time with them, and more. It was time to be sure I never again have to wait for someone else to provide something that makes me feel worthy or loved, so it becomes a regular part of my life and not the exception. I don’t want to save my tiny joys for special occasions anymore, nor depend on them to come from anywhere other than myself. I swear that shift makes when others show up for you feel all the more meaningful & seen because now it lightens your load instead of trying to fill a void that's already severely lacking.

So what do I do to show up for or "date" myself?

• full girl showers

• clean sheets

• grocery shop solo

• home improvement/organization projects

• car wash

• cook/meal prep, restock supplements & feed friends

• pick up the house enough the first night home to lower anxiety and overstimulation from visual clutter

• exercise

• get outside

• hydrate

• flowers

• girls’ night out

• order in

• light candles

• music

• somatic stretches before bed

• pay it forward (the coffee for the person behind you, etc.)

• dance around the house in Pjs or underwear

• find a perfume you like & wear it every day

• be disciplined about your skincare regimen

• eye & face masks

• put on lotion before bed

• professional manicure

• hire someone to do a house cleaning

I was finally able to check the last two off my list just over a week ago, the day before this year's anniversary, and it felt good in so many ways. Getting my nails done was a regular thing for me until my middle was born, and we all know how the next few years went after that so that act went out the window. I always loved it - I talk a lot with my hands, I feel like they're pretty visible at work, so having my nails done always helped me just feel like a small part of me was always presentable.

In the fall, I gifted myself outdoor seating for our screened porch, and our movies nights suddenly felt extra special.

When you treat yourself like you do the people you care for most in your life, you start to feel more deserving of that care and worthy enough to feel good inside and out.

Calm your space

Move your body

Nourish & care for your body

Surround yourself with people who make you smile & laugh.

Having the time to cook for myself and fuel myself correctly for the energy I need day to day means on the busier days with the kids, my mental, physical, and emotional reserves aren't as depleted.

I've dated some this past year & am grateful it's shown me that I do feel ready to be hopeful again. I definitely still have some areas of growth to work on for myself but am ready to show up for someone again & feel open to the journey of intentionally building something with someone.

That being said, I absolutely fought to be content enough in my own presence that I don’t have to question its worth, and it's a daily battle honestly. Some days the battle is swift and other days not so much. I truly enjoy doing the things I love for myself & know that giving my mind, body & heart what it needs has no downside.

Dating myself has filled a part of me that clearly had sat empty the last few years. Just like negative cycles, pouring into yourself feels good and improves your self worth which then in turn opens your capacity to show up for others and it multiplies...the energy naturally shifts towards gratitude & moving with intention.  

Dating in your 20’s - I didn’t have a clear goal. How could I? Wanted to marry a nice guy and get married and have kids.

Now? I want the custom-designed home of relationships - ideal for whatever our season of life & needs may be. I know what I need in a partner & what I bring to the table. I know the kind of wife I was & someone should be so lucky haha. This time around, the approach is intentional. Much like my favorite ever barre technique, it takes time, attention to detail, open & honest communication and feedback, willingness to adapt, and putting the best of yourself into it because you want it to be your home for the rest of your life. Not interested in a quick-build DR Horton cookie cutter house (the last home we shared was a DR Horton, so I speak from experience haha). Approaching some aspects of being divorced as a true second chance allows you to create a better life as the best possible version of yourself. A version you might not have gotten to know had you not been forced to rebuild from the ground up. A while back, I made a list (see below) because that's what I do hahaha. Lists, visualizations, manifestations, prayer, the power of gratitude & positive thinking - I'm here for all of it. Once I've written it down, it has a permanence to it. I can put my eyes on it, I can refer back to it to track progress. It helps me on the days I feel lost or like I'm not yet where I "should" be to remember what it is I'm working towards and remembering the result will be worth the wait. Lists like this can apply to career goals, general goals for yourself, etc. and while it feels daunting at first to start, I hope maybe a few of these speak to you & help you think about what you truly want the rest of your life to be. I have friends now that ask what my "type" is in the hopes of setting me up, and I laugh because there's not a single physical characteristic for what I hope is my future person.

Here's what I've referred back to this past year, especially on the hard days:

I will intentionally and patiently build a relationship that includes:

• Partner & strong/supportive co-parent and hopefully be a stepparent again with childhood time if possible (my relationship with my bonus kiddos will forever remain something I'm so proud of & grateful for that survived my marriage)

• Faith driven focus/approach to the relationship

• Therapy for all

• Frequent humor/fun

• Healthy sex life & easy affection 

• Kitchen dancing (not required participation but embracing that it brings me joy)

• Building a life the kids want to be part of into adulthood

• Partner with a natural capacity to show up for others

• Goal: Weekend spot for family so the kids still want to come back as adults

• Goal: Kid-free weekends: travel & have experiences we might not have had otherwise 

• Embrace the opportunity to grow a relationship with better, healing versions of ourselves 

• Be each other’s biggest cheerleader/hype-man (“you can just tell when they talk about you”)

• Being intentional/regular respectful communication - discussing good, bad, how to be seen/feel loved and expectations. Checking in regularly/feedback and understanding give & take

• Be open to growing/evolving 

A partner with those qualities is worth the time needed for the relationship that can build from it, and until the time comes I am very much enjoying this life I'm rebuilding.

God will restore all things and I have to believe that the loyalty and love I put into my first marriage in spite of the full rejection it received the last year or so we were married will feel unbelievable when it’s reciprocated by the right person. Two people with the common goal of glorifying Him in their marriage & choosing gratitude for the life they have stand every chance of a love beyond anything they’ve known. Year three is time to move forward in any aspect God opens up for me. I will pursue professional success for the sake of the kids & me and trust in His timing for that and everything else; His hand has guided every step of this journey thus far & for that I will be forever grateful. Here's to moving intentionally - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, & lovingly as we take care of ourselves & those around us.